Safe Homes Newsletter, December 1, 2008


How To Talk To Your Kids About Drugs & Alcohol

We have reprinted the 12 points of the ad below for your reference, not because we are suggesting that anyone ever did drugs, but because the information is helpful just to start a conversation with your child about drugs or underage alcohol use (not that anyone did that either).

We highly recommend you explore their website, www.drugfree.org and sign up for the parent tool kit for great information about teens and drug and alcohol use. Additionally, visit the Safe Homes section of the Glen Ridge MAC website for more great resources for you and your kids.

Additionally, join MAC/Safe Homes for the 15 Minute Child Break, this Wednesday night 12/3 at 7pm at the High School LGI room for a one hour presentation on topics such as:
* Talking to your kids about Drugs and Alcohol
* Influence of Media and Pop Culture
* Effects of Specific Drugs
* Strengthening Parenting Skills
* Utilizing Teachable Moments
Questions - Comments - Ideas for Other Programs - Want to get involved? Contact MAC at info@grmac.org

Brought to you by the Glen Ridge Municipal Alliance Committee (MAC) and Safe Homes

How to talk to your kids about drugs if you did drugs

The Fact that you've had experience may actually be an advantage. Read On: This isn't about you. As parents, we all want to warn our kids against the dangers of drug abuse. But the single biggest reason that so many of us are reluctant to start the conversation is because we are afraid. Afraid we will be asked that very uncomfortable question: "Mom, Dad ... did you do drugs?" So let's start by stating the obvious: This isn't about what you did or didn't do. It's about what your child is going to do or not do. So let's talk about how your personal experiences might help steer you child in a good direction.

Experts Disagree. For every psychologist who recommends openness and honesty about your past, another advises caution. The fact is, you can say too much. A good place to start is by considering your child. Some kids demand candor. Others are happy just to talk. Use your judgment. You know your kids better than anyone.

When to lie. In our opinion? Never. Some parents who used drugs in the past choose not to tell the truth, but risk losing their credibility if their kids discover the real story from a talkative uncle at a family party. Many experts recommend you give an honest answer - or no answer at all.

The Whole Truth? Try to avoid giving you child more information that she or he actually asked for. (No need to reveal you smoked marijuana 132 times!) This is not a courtroom; it's a conversation. Ask lots of questions to make sure you understand how she or he is interpreting what you tell them. ("What do you think?") And if the conversation veers into an uncomfortable area, acknowledge it. ("I need to think about the best way to answer your question.") Say what you mean to say. Like other important conversations you will have with your kids about sex or money or friendships, the point you are trying to make is what really matters. In this case, it's crucial that your kids understand that you don't want them to use drugs. Don't beat around the bush, say so. ("I don't want you to use drugs.") Then tell them the reasons why. ("Drugs are dangerous, expensive, unpredictable, distracting...") And yes, it is okay to have a lot of reasons.

What have you learned? Before you talk, take stock. You've lived your entire life in a culture where drugs are a fact of life. From the headlines on TV to the latest pop singer entering rehab to your own experiences, you've seen too many examples of how drugs can change young lives for the worse. Your own experiences with drugs are just part of the bigger picture. The real opportunity here is to share what you've learned.

You could say it like this: "I tried drugs because some of the older kids I know were experimenting with them, and I thought I needed to try drugs to fit in. It took me awhile to discover that's never a good reason to do anything. Do you know what I mean? Do you ever feel pressured like that?"

Or like this: "Everyone makes mistakes and trying drugs was a mistake I made. It made me do some dumb things. And it's hard to look back and see that I got anything good out of the experience. I love you too much to watch you repeat the bad decisions I made."

Or even like this: "My experience with drugs is no guarantee that yours would be the same. If I've learned anything, it's that drugs affect everyone differently. The more dangerous the drug, the higher the stakes. So I wanted to share my experiences with you, because, even if drugs didn't ruin my life, I've seen them ruin other people's lives. And God forbid that you should be one of those people."

Don't just talk, listen. You can anticipate that your child's first reaction when you raise the subject of drugs will be to be quiet. So do your darndest to make it a two-way conversation. Ask what they think. Ask if it's a subject their friends talk about. Ask what they think of celebrities who use drugs. Keep asking questions. And listen to the answers. Stay Calm. Whatever happens, try not to raise your voice. If you do lose your temper, try to catch yourself. It's okay to admit that these conversations aren't easy for you either. And if things aren't going well, suggest talking about it again another time. ("I don't mean to surprise you or make you feel awkward. Let's talk again in a day or two.") After all, this conversation about drugs shouldn't be just one conversation. Instead, think of it as part of the ongoing dialog about the important stuff that you want to have with your kids all through life.

Good Luck. Yes, it's difficult to know how to talk to kids about drugs. You don't want them to hold your history up as some kind of precedent to follow, or as a tool to use against you. But you may be able to use your life experiences as a teachable moment. So even if you're nervous, don't put off having the conversation. This isn't about your past. It is about your child's future.

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